Dating a DL: Man or Woman, Pay Attention and Ask Questions
A recent national survey released by the CDC revealed that more Americans are identifying as bisexual than ever before. Not only that, but more straight-identifying men are admitting to having tried gay sex.
Researchers interviewed more than 9,000 men and women ages 18 to 44 years of age. Of all the men interviewed, 6.2 percent of them said they had engaged in same-sex sexual activity at least once in their lifetime. And of that 6.2 percent, 2.3 percent identified as straight.
So who are these men? And, more importantly, where are they? (Hint: They’re everywhere!) It took some serious detective work, but we managed to locate a few and convince them to chat with us under the agreement that we would keep their identities confidential.
Now, let’s cut to the chase and hear what they had to say…
Related: CDC Survey Finds A Surprising Number Of Straight Dudes Have Had Gay Sex
Rob (not his real name) is 46-years-old. He lives in San Jose, CA and has been married to his wife for 12 years. He identifies as “straight with bisexual tendencies” and has been hooking up with other guys on the down low since he was 19.
“Hooking up with other men, to me, is a non-complicated way of releasing sexual steam,” he explains. “It’s simply a physical release with no pressure.”
Rob prefers getting together with other married men on the DL, as opposed to single or openly gay men. He finds most of the guys on Craigslist or dating sites like Squirt.org.
“I seek out other married men for the simple fact that they are in the same boat as me, and hopefully can relate to what I am looking for,” he says. “I do not want to jeopardize my marriage. Another married man can understand that. Other married men are not willing to take as many risks.”
The primary risk being, Rob says, “getting strong emotions or falling in love. I wouldn’t want to become the object of another man’s desire. I do find some men attractive, but for me it’s just sexual. I don’t feel attracted to men in a loving way at all.”
Currently, there are two guys Rob sees on a regular basis.
“One is divorced, the other is a widower and semi-retired,” he explains. “They both live alone, and are therefore able to host our get togethers.” But, he is careful to add, “there is no love involved.”
“We can learn a lot about sexual fluidity and diversity from men on the down low,” Ward tells Queerty. “Some men on the DL identify as bisexual but are not public about their sex with men. Others are completely straight-identified and view their sex with men as an erotic hobby, so to speak. For them, it’s an occasional means of getting off, but it’s not something that feels significant enough to influence how they understand their sexual orientation.”
Ward continues: “The point here is that people can engage in the same sexual activity but make meaning of it in very different ways. It’s that process of making meaning that is what ultimately matters when it comes to people’s sexual identifications. Unlike animals, humans have the capacity to reflect on our sex practices and what they mean about who we are and who we want to be.”
Related: Straight Guys Reflect On Those Times They Had Gay Sex
OK, and now the answer to the question you’ve all been wondering: What about these men’s wives and girlfriends? Do they know about their extracurricular activities? Here’s what the guys had to say…
“My wife is not aware,” Rob admits. “I don’t feel guilty doing what I do. However, I would feel bad if she found out. She would be very upset and consider it cheating. It concerns me very much, since I do not want a divorce.”
“My ex-wife didn’t know what I did,” Tony says. “The women I’ve dated lately, though, know. They know how I am and still think I’m interesting and attractive regardless. At this point of my life, I don’t feel like living in lies anymore.”
“If my wife found out she would leave me,” Andrew says. “She is very traditional and religious and does not believe in homosexuality. I love her and wish that we could have some sort of open relationship, but she would never go for it.”
He continues: “Hooking up with other guys is not something that I am proud of. I wish that I didn’t have the urge or want to do it, but there is something about being with another guy that reignites me. After being with another guy I find that I am more loving and happy at home. It adds life to me.”